Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Guest Post: Bail Money?

I was relaxing at home when a rapid knock at my door drew my attention from my current read. A second knock came before I got to the door. As I opened the door, the gentleman's hand was raised to knock again.

"Hello?" I spoke, noticing something... off. I must be seeing things. No horns there.

"Melissa?" The tall man asked as he relaxed his hand and lowered his arm.

"Yes." I tilted my head. He was professionally dressed, but in a trench coat with this warm weather. Is that a strange sparkle to his eyes? No. That's a glow. "Can I help you?"

"I have letters for you. They were said to be urgent." He handed them to me and turned and walked down the stairs to the sheriff car parked in my drive way. I stared as I swear there was a tail that swayed underneath his long trench coat.

I waved when he looked over his shoulder and smiled a sharp smile. I shut the door with speed that caused it to slam. I cringed and looked to the letters in my hand.

I sat at the table and opened them...

A picture falls out with the first letter:

Dear Melissa,

Can we have some bail money? I know this is a sudden and unusual request, but Chris Pisano and I are in a Tijuana jail cell again. The good news is they like us here and gave us our usual jail cell. The bad news is during the last time we were here, the sheriff let us out to apprehend La Chupacabra. It didn’t go so well – it outsmarted us and a goat outdrank us, and then we woke up in a Canadian jail cell. But that’s not important right now. We’re calling upon your infinite generosity, because you are the last person I remember seeing at the TV Gods: Summer Programming book release party at Balticon 51. I’m not sure how we ended up here. I’m actively blaming Chris Pisano, but I think Jeff Young might be involved. Do you happen to know how Jeff did this to us? The last thing I remember about the release party is you handing me a glowing drink with a perpetual mushroom cloud, and saying, “Here, drink this.” The last thing Chris remembers is you asking him if some rag smelled like chloroform. Anyway, could you bail us out?

Thank you,
Brian Koscienski

Dear Melissa,

Please disregard the above note. What they are not telling you is that they were extradited to Canada due to outstanding warrant for their harassment of a local creature, the Wendigo, which is now a protected species. They are also forgetting to mention that with their beer pants, they are currently at the center of a black market in the prison, supplying not only the prisoners but also the guards. In fact, Chris and Brian negotiated for a laptop but after a brief argument, Chris ended up with the keyboard and Brian got the screen. They had to settle for a can of sharpies. Right now if you were to enter their cell you would find that there is very little free space that isn't written upon. The problem is that after Chris writes something, Brian tends to write over top of it and vice versa. But why might you ask are they doing this? After the successful launch of TV Gods: Summer Programming, the two want to produce something of their own to rival its popularity. So they have in fact found a spot where no one will disturb them and their room and board is taken care of – in other words, they are right where they want to be. But why, you might ask, would they ask for money for bail? This time they are planning on getting two laptops...

This of course never would have occurred in Mexico. Well, best laid plans and all. I've taken to mailing them paper, one piece at a time. I encourage you to be creative as well. However, for your part, I strongly recommend that you keep your money, rather than send it off.

Jeff Young


This was a fun post to do. These guys are a hoot to meet and talk with. This post came to mind as I was talking to them at Balticon 51, where the picture was taken. I hope you take a few moments to check out their books and visit their links in the letters.

Pick up their books at Amazon:


Blodeuedd said...

I did not read guestpost over on bloglovin and was all omg are you bailing someone out? HA

LilyElement said...

This is an awesome guest post!!! :D

Alexia561 said...

What a fun post! :)